pity the fool

that is to say, is say pity the fool, boy, pay attention son, this is vital information for you (dang boy seems to have cotton in his ears sometimes), i say pity the fool who doesn't enjoy his own pity party... that's right, the party of living includes the occasional pity party (and occasional is the key here as when pity parties happen more than occasionally they are no longer parties, they are wakes cuz they are saying goodbye to the hope that keeps pity parties from happening too often (follow the logic here son, you'll be a happier camper for it) or for too long...

so when you feel yourself feeling sorry for yourself because something in life did not quite go as well as you'd have liked it to have gone or worse, when some tragedy befalls you, just ask yourself this one question... do you feel lucky, punk?... wait, wrong line... ask yourself this one question...

are you ready to die?...

ok, two questions (always be ready for changes, remember)... whether you answer yes or no, the next questions is...

do you want to die?...

if your answer is yes to both, before dying, talk to anyone around you... if you have a spouse or loved on or children or any family who might care, talk to them... if you don't have any personal caring in your life (and you might if you really think about it even when you think you don't), then talk to a nearby professional life saver which would be a hospital or first responder type of professional... they might change your mind, but if you don't want to change your mind, at least you will have double checked with someone who cares, personally or professionally...

try not to make too big a mess...

if your answer is yes to either question, then cry... yes, cry... yell, rant, scream, jump up and down, punch a heavy bag (gym work boy, gym work can do wonders) over the tragedy and find a way to enjoy life again... start by asking yourself why not, cuz you did say no to one of the two questions... your reason for wanting not to die is in that answer, why not?...

and get creative when you have to... but simply do it... cry... remember your answers and do it... cry... throw the best pity party you can throw... get the stuff that helps (comfort foods often help... or music or something that won't kill you cuz remember, your answer was no to one of the two questions)...

i usually set my alarm for a few days and when the alarm goes off i remember my answers and return to the party of living that is not all about poor me and sadness... if you don't see a way out, find that first responder professional and talk about it... you don't want to be stuck in limbo, son, trust me... take a look around, out there in the world... focus on the party that is smiling all around (between the fears, it's there, you just need to be open to it)... and then, the bigger party overwhelms the pity party and life goes on with me in it, which is usually more fun than the solitary pity party... it works if you want it do...

or something like that :)

such a dork, aye?

who, me?... what me dorky?... yeah, i know i don't come around here nearly as much as i oughta but hey, there's a party going on in a million other places (what?... did i just give something away?... kinda like what i do most, if you know me at all, so laugh or puzzle at your own choice) and this place is like the anteroom or some such exit on the supernova highway of cyberlife where i slide for a breather in a moment of solitude between the celebrations and crowds so thank you for stopping by and if you understand (or want to) then feel free to call and pose your queries or just join in the festivities cuz that is what it is all about (hokey pokey and all... narf :)

yeah, narf :)

what the hoot

the magic continues (even though it went silence here for what seems to have been a winter type of time frame, at least the winter of my youth up north, but in any case, the calendar is springing into action, yes, it is spring and life is as wonderful as ever, even if love is not quite in the air, meaning the romantic kind, cuz love is most definitely in the air, everywhere... so what the hoot have i been doing loving every minute of it (that's what i've been doing, actually... loving every minute of it, yeah)...

yes, i am so loving every minute of it...

maybe it's the time of year

the music is the party going on all the time in me, even when all the world seems silent, the music is enjoying its home in me...

first of may

but you and i
our love will never die
and yes we'll cry
come first of may

tears belong at a party for many reasons... a wake, for instance, is a place for tears of farewell and missing the physical presence of someone who is no longer going to smile and laugh and be a human in this life outside of your mind and perhaps some artifacts, material memories, things you give meaning with your mind... and those same tears are the joy of the memories, the emotion that person inspired in the flesh and continues to inspire in your mind...

for me, the first of may brings such tears, of loss and death, and more, of beautiful memories and hope for more... i am throwing a party for a first of may feeling at this moment... thank goodness i still can after all this time... i thank the first inspiration, amy, for introducing me to these feelings and treasure the memories she and others have added to the first of may parties over the years...

the date on the calendar does not matter, for this feeling is timeless... perhaps it is because the first of december is approaching, or perhaps it is because any moment can be a first of may moment because, after all, it is all in the mind...

still going on

it doesn't have to make sense (usually it doesn't cuz sense requires some sort of serious thinking and who wants to do serious thinking at a party? {unless it's a serious thinking party, or a game party, or something like that} not any fleas i know), it doesn't have to be good, just feel good, that's all, feel good and everything is alright... and to feel good, you need the feel to be italicized, of course, or not, cuz it's up to you...

and even as the world is crumbling down around me, i can feel (wait, i can feel, yeah, that's it), even as i feel like the people i invested the most in are the first to abandon me, even as i remember traumas and cruelties and negativities of my most innocent moments from the start of this life, i still feel and that's all it takes for the party to start (even if it's sometimes a pity party, those can be fun too for a little while)...

it's still going on, and maybe that is the part of me that is hardest to understand or touch because, well, it doesn't require understanding either, no sense, no understanding, just being and feeling being... the experience of feeling being is the party, when will everybody get that?...

well, i'll be here when they do... you too... you are welcome, you know (you oughta know)... the moment you are feeling and know you are at the party, you will be here, wherever you are... and i will feel you and you will feel me and we will feel each other and everything (though not everything is italicized, cha)...

it's not magic or superhuman or special or anything anyone else can not do... i stress, i fret, i mourn, i feel sad and i feel pain, i know doubts and guilt and shame and fear and all the negative feelings sometimes... i just ignore it... it's inside, it's there, it's not gonna drop an anvil on my head or throw a rock at me no matter how much i might fear it will... it is that simple... ignore it and feel (gotta have the feeling, whatever feeling it is, push the fear aside enough to feel and you are at the party (or you could just stay and watch the show until your party comes along)...

it's in there... inside of you, i mean... you'll know someday if not today... the party is life and i'd love you to share it with me, but you don't have to... it goes on with or without us, but it's so much more fun with...

i'll save you a seat :)